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There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He once said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it!"

There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
As he saw him stick 'er
He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."

Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.

There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh God!

There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.

There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."

There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, " 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

There once was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said,"It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.

There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.

Said an innocent girlie named Shelley
as a man rolled her onto her belly
"This is not the position
for human coition,
And why the petroleum jelly?"

A visiting scholar at Yale
Was in search of a fresh piece of tail.
He found in his classes
Both girl and boy asses --
Now he spends all his spare time in jail

On a date with a lad, young Miss Flow
When asked for a fuck answered "No!
You can go second class --
Shove your prick up my ass --
I'm saving my cunt for my beau."

The Grecians were famed for fine art,
and buildings and stonework so smart.
They distinguished with poise
The men from the boys,
and used crowbars to keep them apart.

On May Day, the girls of Penzance,
Being bored with the lack of romance,
Joined the Workers' Parade
With their banner displayed --
"What the Pants of Penzance need is Ants!"

A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she: "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."

There was a young lady called Harris,
That nothing could ever embarrass;
Till the bath-salts one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be plaster of Paris.
Ogden Nash

Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
It won't ease the gravity
Of all the depravity,
But you'll know why you did what you did."
Frank Richards

Oedipus said to the Sphinx:
"My name's been perverted by shrinks.
Who'd think Jocasta'd
Call me a bastard?
I think psychiatry stinks."
Victor Gray

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed,
She rev'rently said:
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

Mr. Alan Jay Learner (with by-play)
Made _Pygmalion_ less of a dry play;
Seraph Shaw, near hysterics,
On hearing his lyrics,
Shocked Heaven with: "Not bloody my play!"

Said Tennyson: "Yes, _Locksley_Hall's_
A story that always enthralls,
For it comes down to this --
She gave me a kiss,
And then a good kick in the balls."
Victor Gray

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

When he raped a young maid in a train,
They arrested a fellow named Blaine;
But the ex-virgin cried:
"That's for me to decide,
And I'd be the last to complain."

"On the beach," said John sadly, "there's such
A thing as revealing too much."
So he closed both his eyes
At the ranks of bare thighs,
And felt his way through them by touch."
Isaac Asimov

A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in,
He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right'un."

A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.

There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
Said she, "Does it itch?"
"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."

Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."

There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It served either sex,
But oh what a bitch to keep clean.

An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.

There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.

A talented girl from Detroit
Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point or finer
Or open it out like a quoit.

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, I know, love, it's me."

here was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.

250+ Love letters and poems

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